The Alchemists' Fanfiction Academy
by Amaterasoe
Summary: The AFA: baffled (and sometimes angry) canon characters, a very persuasive non-canon staff and not-so-chibi-minis. Uh-oh. What will become of the students? [OFU authorized by Miss Cam]
1. Of badfic and of triangles red

The Alchemists' Fanfiction Academy  
by Ama, Aricos and Cathy

Fullmetal Alchemist (or Full Metal Alchemist) is copyrighted by Hiromu Arakawa/Square Enix, MBS, ANX, Bones, Dentsu. We do not own - nor do we claim to own – Fullmetal Alchemist. Please don't sue.

A big thank you to Miss Cam for the authorisation of this OFU spin-off.

Please go to the user info page for further information regarding this fanfiction.

* * *

Chris felt proud. Proud of the fanfiction she'd written. It already had seventeen chapters, two hundred odd reviews and a few flames as well. Hmm. She wasn't too proud about those. Not that she cared or anything; she told the people who claimed that it really was important to learn how to write before typing, to stuff it. As if they knew everything.

The seventeen, soon to be eighteen, chapters seemed to be appreciated. The story had of course all the elements to be _the best fanfic ever™_, but Chris wasn't one to boast about it. Oh no, not her. Chris kept writing. Just like she was doing now.

_So much like me  
__Chapeter 18: For you Id bleed myself dry_

_A/N: The newest chappie hawt of the press!1 NOT BETAED. Cuz betas are stuuuuupid._

_"Edina, are you sure about this?" asked Roi. "I know that you'r the best damn alchemist we have and that you found_

_the_

_Filosophers Stone and everything, but do you really want to risk it all for your twinbrother Et, who has been dead for twenty years?"  
__"Roy! You know hes not my real brother! My soul just happends to be the reincarnated spirit of Eds' twin sister." Edina answered. Roy sighed. "I know I can't stop you. Just remember that I love you." He kissed her passionately.  
__She murmered: "Rou, we have no time for this. NOthing will happen. Don't worry. I love you two. I was so happy when you asked me to be your girlfriend." She hugged him. "Now, let's get craking!"_

_She got the stone, said some weird Ancient Words (A/N: my own thought up language LOL), while she making a circle on the ground.  
__Suddenly, the earth began to move really fast, making Roy fall down. Trying to help him, brave as she was, Edina ran towarsd him. Then, she saw a huuuuuge open gate before her, pulling her inside. After this, everything was black._

_She saw flashes of her most importand memories: her mother and father, Scar and Wirny; meeting Roy, who kept  
__himself young using Ancient Ishbal Alchemy (A/N: OMG made by me as well whahaha); defeating Risa, who revived the 8st Sin, Evilnes; finding the Philosopher's stone; digging up Ed's bodi in order to transmutate him to help her save the world…_

_"Wake up. Everything's okay You don't have to cry anymore!" Edina looked up, opened her big, golden orange eyes, amazed. "Who are you?" "My name is Alina and I'm-_

The screen went blank. Triangles and squares appeared surrounded by a circle and odd symbols. Then the figures glowed red.


	2. The AFA? What the heck is that?

The red light filled the whole room, temporarily blinding Chris. When she cautiously opened her eyes after a few silent moments, she saw that what once was the screen of her monitor was now a thick wad of paper. It slid down on her desk leaving her to stare at a mess of wiring and chips where moments before her masterpiece had been on display.

"No! My fanfiction!"

Completely shocked by this tragic loss, she started reading the paper in front of her in hope of it being what she'd just typed. No such luck.

_Dear miss Christina Jameson,_

_You have been accepted to the Alchemists' Fanfiction Academy. After attending and graduating from the Academy, you will receive a licence to write Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction. Not enrolling, skipping classes and/or failing the final examinations, will - after an in-depth conversation with one of the staff members - exclude you from further writing activities.  
__It's no use ignoring this message. If you continue to write fanfiction unauthorised, we will not hesitate to hunt you down.  
__To complete your enrolment, fill in and sign the attached documents._

_Expecting to see you shortly,  
__Miss Ama  
__Course Coordinator  
__p.s. Please refrain from using the exclamation mark that often, even in speech. It has feelings too._

Mouth hanging open, Chris moved on to read the attached documents. "Name, Age… Lust Object? What the hell is this? The Academy will not be held responsible for any injuries! Huh?"

Reading the letter, a tiny light bulb went on.

"So, if I want to continue to write _the best fanfic ever™_, I must enrol at this so called Alchemists' Fanfiction Academy. Plus I get to see my precious Roy–kinns? Sound like fun!"

She began to fill in the form. "Let's see… name, Chris of course, origin, The World, hahaha, Lust Object, ROY! Worst fear, hmm, that's a hard one… After School Activity…"

The moment she'd signed the tenth and last page, the papers - along with part of her desk - disappeared in another flash of red light. "Yes! Off to see Roy!"

She waited. And waited. And waited.

After three and a half minutes, Chris decided to try and find some way to retrieve her fanfiction, when she felt a soft breeze. "Didn't I close the window?" Turning around, she saw a huge gate. "Oh my god, that's The Gate from the FMA anime!" said Chris, almost squealing.

Advancing towards the gate, she felt just like Edina, her perfect character™. The gate suddenly burst open, revealing nothing but darkness inside.  
Then, hands shot out, dragging her to the gate. "Hey! Let me go, I don't want to- Nooooooooooooo!"

"Miss, we've got another load."

"Good, just dump them with the others. They're bound to wake up eventually."

* * *

For the disclaimer see chapter 1. Enrolments are still open.


	3. Three AA's: the difference's great

Chris woke up, feeling nauseous. She wasn't sure if she'd already opened her eyes, given the fact that everything was dark around her.

"Am I still in the Gate…?" she thought, feeling a rising panic. "I don't want to lose my body! HELP!"

"Hey, another one is awake there. Let's get him out!" she heard someone say.

"I'm over here. On the other side of the big door!"

Sunlight fell on Chris' face.

"What door? Oh, you must mean the Gate. Don't worry, you're not inside anymore," a girl said to Chris, pulling her up. "Hi, my name is Kiki. We were all thrown on a pile on the ground. Quite a lot of people were put on top of you."

"Thanks for helping me." Chris smiled gratefully while dusting herself off. "I'm Chris. So, where are we?" She looked around. To the left, she saw sand and rocks. To the right: sand and rocks. Before her as far as the eye could see: sand and (you'll never guess) more rocks.

"We don't know. But there is a large building that way," another girl answered, gesturing somewhere behind Chris. "Maybe people there can tell us. I'm Salix by the way."

After Chris had been introduced to those who were already conscious, the topic soon came to how they'd all got there.

"I wonder…"

"What, Kybok?" the girl who'd introduced herself as Bookworm asked.

"I wonder if this has anything to do with that letter I got."

"What? You too? Like, that happened to me!" Kiki shouted.

"And me," Bookworm added.

"Whoa. That's just totally weird," Chris said.

Salix, who was facing the building, suddenly turned around and said: "Look guys, someone is coming this way!"

A small group of people in blue uniforms left of the building. They dispersed, each of them heading towards what Chris had at first thought were rocks, but what she now realised were more heaps of people. Chris thought she recognised some of the people who'd come form the building as Fullmetal Alchemist characters, but the person who was heading their way, wearing a military cap, was completely unfamiliar. On closer view Chris saw it was a young woman. The woman stopped right before them, her eyes resting on the pile of people on the ground.

"EVERYBODY WAKE UP!"

The rest of the students immediately opened their eyes and scrambled up.

"Welcome to the Alchemists' Fanfiction Academy. I am Miss Cathy."

"Alchemists' fanfiction Academy? The AA?"

"What, are we here at the Automobile Association?"

"Well, this apparently is the AA."

"American Airlines? Hoorah, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii!"

"No, this is-" Miss Cathy began.

"Alcoholics Anonymous? But I don't drink!"

"I've never had a beer in my entire life, I swear!"

"Okay, I confess, I've tried beer a few times. And vodka."

At this last remark, silence fell upon the crowd.

"My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic," the same voice continued quietly.

"Wait, you don't-" Miss Cathy said, trying to stop him.

"That is so heroic of you."

"We salute you for this bravery."

"I'm absolu-"

"WILL YOU ALL BE QUIET! YOU ARE HERE AT THE ALCHEMISTS' FANFICTION ACADEMY. THE AFA. NOT THE AA, THE AA AND CERTAINLY NOT THE AA," Miss Cathy finally managed to shout.

"Is there a difference?" one quite brave individual dared to ask.

The boy who'd spoken clasped his hands over his mouth after letting this comment slip, obviously incriminating himself by doing so.

Miss Cathy, after spotting him, glared and strode over to him. And started poking him with her cane.

"Anyone else," _poke_ "with smartass comments," _poke_ "will," _poke_ "receive," _poke_ "the same," _poke_ "treatment."

"Ouch! Please! Ouch! Stop! OUCH!"

After giving him a final hard poke, Miss Cathy rounded on the rest of them. "Understand?"

Everyone immediately shouted "Ma'am, yes ma'am!". Some even saluted spontaneously.

"Good. Now, head inside to the auditorium," Miss Cathy said smiling.

Chris didn't quite understand how such a threatening woman could put on such a lovely smile. It must have taken her years and years of practise. She voiced her thoughts to Kiki.

"Actually, it wasn't the smiling she practiced. Miss Ama spent many hours teaching Miss Cathy how to be properly threatening. She's a fast learner," Scieszka remarked as she joined them, leading another group of students.

"Hey! You're the bookworm lady!" Kiki shouted, causing Bookworm to look up.

"Ama? Who's that?" Chris asked at the same time.

Sighing, Scieszka answered Chris: "_Miss_ Ama is the Course Coordinator of the AFA. I guess you'll meet her soon enough." With that, she walked off, leaving Kiki and Chris to themselves.

"But if Miss Ama taught Miss Cathy, and Miss Cathy is already that scary, what does that make Miss Ama? How much worse can she be?" Chris said to herself as they entered the building.

"No, don't say that! What if we're overheard?" Kiki hissed.

The Ironic Power couldn't let this golden opportunity pass.

"You already are. And let me reassure you. I'm much, much worse," they heard a sugary sweet voice say.

They turned around. The door through which they had just entered, closed with a click, revealing Miss Ama standing behind it wearing a very evil grin on her face. They shuddered.

"And you haven't even met my minions yet…" Miss Ama said laughing.

"We… err… That is to say-," Chris stuttered, "we'd better go find the others."

With that, Chris and Kiki turned around and started walking in the direction the others had gone. As soon as they thought they were out of Miss Ama's sight, they ran. Fast.

* * *

For the disclaimer see chapter 1. Enrolments are still open (we need some Edward, Hohenheim and Barry fangirls!).

Note: The next chapter will be uploaded in about two weeks. We are in the middle of our finals (hence the long wait for this one) and we won't be able to post another chapter until that time.


	4. Now let us set a few things straight

With Miss Cathy walking briskly behind them, the new students had no choice but to follow the arrows pointing toward the auditorium. Rounding the corners, they suddenly found themselves standing in a large room that was slowly filling up with students coming from all sides. At the far end of the auditorium a platform was raised, where all the different characters from Fullmetal Alchemist were seated.

Chris, who'd lost Kiki somewhere amidst the Al-lovers and Ed-devotees fighting over the best seats, decided to sit down as soon as she saw an empty spot - in Roy's line of sight, of course.

Two other students walked up to her. "Can we sit here?" Chris nodded and stood up to let them pass. The girl who sat down besides her, cast a longing look at the staff and turned towards Chris. "A Roy luster, I presume? So am I. I think it's great that you're so open about it. My name is Rayne and my friend here next to me is Alowl." Lowering her voice, she confidentially said to Chris: "An Envy luster. I really don't understand why, but…"

Chris wanted to ask Rayne why 'it's great that you're so open about it', but a man walked up to the middle of the raised platform, clearly waiting for the students to shut up.

"Welcome to the Alchemists' Fanfiction Academy. As I'm sure you will know, my name is Hohenheim and I am the Sub-Head of Staff for this Academy. At the AFA, you will learn how to write good fanfiction. After attending and graduating, you will receive a licence to write Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction. As a new approach to understanding the Canon, you will have access to a limited amount of energy with which to perform alchemy."

"Really?" a girl called scionis shouted out.

"Yes. Alchemy. But remember, only the basics of alchemy. So no fancy transmutation without a proper circle. This brings us to the most important rule: you are forbidden to use alchemy on fellow students and/or staff members."

Some of the students groaned. They had wanted to try to change certain members of the staff into chimerae for reasons best left in the dark.

Hohenheim stared the groaners down before continuing.

"Now, for the other rules: you will not skip classes. If you decide not to attend any classes, field trips, et cetera, you will immediately be removed from the AFA. Also, students are not allowed in the staff section, unless accompanied by a staff member.

"A few introductions are in order. The one in the corner glaring at you is-"

"ROY!1!"

"No, the other corner. That is Miss Ama, the Course Coordinator. And Miss Cathy, who generously offered to escort you here, is the Secretary of Student Affairs."

Hohenheim went on about all the things regarding the Academy for another ten minutes and people now started to talk loudly amongst themselves. Random shouts of "I love you Al!" and "Roy you're so hot! I want to (CENSORED by Miss Ama. Let's try and keep this a T-rated story shall we?)" could be heard, and various canon-characters now showed interesting shades of red. Chris, trying desperately not to look at Roy to resist the temptation of shouting very descriptive things herself, studied all other staff seated on the podium. Her eyes landed on something interesting.

"Hey. Is that a dagger in Miss Ama's boot?" Chris shouted to Neshomeh, the girl sitting on her other side.

The whole auditorium fell silent.

"Why yes, Mr. Jameson. Excellently spotted. The non-canon staff all have weapons to protect us…"

"…and hurt you," Edward mumbled.

'Mr. Jameson? What's that all about?' Chris wondered, but her thoughts were disturbed by the girlish screams erupting from the crowd after Ed's comment.

"Thank you for that, Edward. Now, where was I? Oh yes; furthermore, no one is allowed to transmute any object that might be vital to the construction of the building. So that includes walls, ceilings, and floors." Here he stopped and looked at Roy and Ed, who silently turned away while whistling.

"Any questions?" he continued.

A few dozen hands were raised.

"Those questions will not include asking a canon character to marry you."

Some hands were lowered.

"Nor will they be any other form of a _personal invitation_."

Only one hand remained in the air.

"Yes, miss Croissant?"

"Uhm, yeah. I was wondering…" Suddenly, she looked more determined than before. "Can I hug Barry?"

* * *

For the disclaimer see chapter 1. Enrolments are still open (yes, this is a hint).


	5. A room mate and a sudden revelation

Silence. Dead silence.

"Although he would be more than pleased, no," Hohenheim answered Croissant's question.

"Yes, she can!" a hollow, but excited voice shouted out. Barry, with the oh so famous cleaver in his hand, ran – despite his somewhat heavy armour – towards Croissant, who paled slightly.

The crowd got more tumultuous and some people even shouted something ("She can and we _can't_ hug our Lust Objects?").

"Settle down, everyone!" the Sub-Head of Staff called out, but this seemed to have no effect.

Getting up from their seats, the students didn't see Miss Ama signalling to Miss Cathy. The latter produced a self made walkie-talkie and quickly began to talk into it.

The students let out what seemed like a rehearsed battle cry, storming towards the raised platform. Chris, running at the front of the stampeding horde, set her resolve to be the first to hug Roy. They ran, they sprinted, they jumped and, fortunately for the staff, they were intercepted by a cloud of dust.

The shadowy figure of someone detached itself from the cloud and made its way to the platform. It jumped towards the staff and stood before Edward. Then, it got out a walkie-talkie.

"I've secured the miniature guy. Over."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SUPER-ULTRA SHORT-"

Miss Cathy, leaning lazily on Edward's head, said, "Aricos, we're right next to you. You don't have to talk in the walkie-talkie anymore."

"Oh. Right. Over. … Oh. Right," came the reply from the mysterious figure addressed as Aricos. After a large part of the dust settled, Chris looked up to the person standing in front of the students. She was awed by the sensational entrance and realised that he also had a weapon: some kind of rope with a very sharp end was swung around his shoulder.

Hohenheim cleared his throat. "I must have forgotten to tell you that 'glomping' will not be tolerated." He smiled. "The person assisting us to make sure that everything is in order is our Head of Security, Aricos-sama. He… she, err, Aricos is also the Trainer of Minis: mini-chimerae. One of our extra means of protection."

"Wow! Did you transmute those chimerae?" D.K exclaimed.

"No, actually, you did," Aricos replied. "Every time you spell a Canon name incorrectly, you create a mini without realising the consequences. Even more reason to attend the AFA. And let me present to you Eddo, one of the mini-chimerae."

Eddo, a little ball of fur, stepped out of the cloud. He tried to look menacing and let out an adorable growl.

"Awwww! Cute! I want one!" most of the students commented.

"What was that? You want them to chase you?" Aricos-sama asked.

"We said we _want_ one," Ieva called out.

The rest of the dust settled, revealing the other chimerae to be… not so cute. Actually, they looked positively threatening.

"Do you really all want one? That can be arranged. Come and get one!" Aricos yelled to the crowd.

Nobody moved.

"Well then, we'll let them come to you." Aricos snapped his—no, her—well, its fingers. "Minis! Please take the students to their rooms! Go get 'em!"

The staff decided to sit back and enjoy the spectacle of fanfiction authors being chased by highly irritated minis.

Running out of the auditorium and towards the staircase, Chris could have sworn she heard Miss Ama say "We hope you enjoy your stay!" followed by the laughter of the highly amused staff.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chris was dropped off quite literally at her new room on the top floor, after being tackled and chewed on for about an hour by the mini assigned to her. The mini, a small lion-like creature with the name "Envoy" on its collar, had finally let go of her and grudgingly went downstairs. Envoy had so much enjoyed playing with the student.

When the chimera left, Chris stood up, tried to get the excess mini-drool off and walked into the room.

"Hmm, dorm #74. Right-o."

Inside, Chris saw two beds and two desks with a lot of books piled on top of them. Lying on the beds were some blue and white clothes, which very much looked like uniforms. "Hopefully, these books are for the whole floor…" Chris commented, thinking positively.

She walked over to the window and looked down. A weird coincidence made sure that the window of dorm #74 had a spectacular view of the Mini Recreation Grounds (the MRG). Chris could clearly see students being chased around by a horde of minis. Also, that Aricos-sama character was walking around, distributing mini-treats with apparent happiness.

"Hello, you must be by room mate!"

Startled by this exclamation, Chris almost fell right into the middle of the MRG. Unfortunately for a few bored mini-chimerae, Chris' room mate grabbed the back of her sweater. After making sure he managed to grab not only the sweater, but Chris as well, he pulled her in.

"Gotcha! You didn't have to be this shocked by me. I'm Tom and like I said, you must be my room mate."

"I'm Chris, nice to meet you." She looked at Tom. "I didn't know the dorms would be co-ed," Chris remarked.

"Co-ed?"

"Yeah, you know, co-ed?"

"I know what it means, I just don't know what _you_ mean by it," he answered her with the I'm-not-stupid-you-know-look.

"Well, you're a guy and I'm a girl…"

"A girl? Oh, wait, you're saying that you're gay? Though I'm straight, I have no problems with that."

"Everyone seems to think that it's so great and wonderful of me, but _why_, I don't have a FREAKING idea! What is it with people thinking that I'm gay!"

Tom chose to stay silent after this.

Chris continued her angry ramble. "I am NOT gay, damn it! And about the co-ed thing, I'm female and you're male. That's mixed genders. Co-ed."

"I don't know what you're on about, but you are not female. Look in the mirror or something, but stop messing with me." He walked over towards the door. "I'm out of here."

Now being alone, Chris walked over to the mirror in the corner of the room. In it, she saw a person wearing jeans and a sweater: her clothes. But the problem was that she wasn't wearing them. A male person was.

A shocking revelation struck Chris: she was a guy.

The echoes of her screams could be heard miles away.

* * *

For the disclaimer see chapter 1. Enrolments are still open (thank you for all the enrolments!).


	6. First class: an endless source of frustr

_Knock. Knock._

"Problems already?" Miss Cathy asked, opening the door. "How can I help you, Mr. Jameson?"

"I—I—"

"Keep breathing, we don't want students to die without undergoing some educational bashing."

Chris couldn't speak just yet. After the truth hit her right in the face, she had run as fast as she could to the Staff Section. With a large quantity of doors surrounding her, it took Chris a while to locate the Secretary's office. Luckily, each of the doors had an engraving to explain its purpose, although the dim lighting didn't help: clearly, the staff wanted to keep an air of mystery around the Staff Section.

Miss Cathy stared at the wheezing and coughing Chris for a while and in the end, the Secretary of Student Affairs had no choice but to invite her in.

"Well, come in. If your Lust Object happened to walk past, it would only be painful for you when you try to get her all to yourself. We all know how some of you fanboys can get very aggressive."

"That's… part of… the problem," Chris panted.

Chris tried to explain the situation, but only moments later, she was shoved back into the hallway with the words "That's really strange; well, nothing I can do about it just now. Bye!"

"Wait, please wait!" Chris protested loudly. Then the door slammed in her face. "WAIT!"

"Groaning in the doorway, already? You would think they would last a bit longer than this! Pay up, Fuery. You owe me."

"Hey, it's only one student!"

Chris looked up and saw Havoc and Fuery looking back at her from over the huge stacks of books they were carrying.

"Everything all right, buddy?" Fuery asked, looking concerned.

"I'm not—oh, never mind." Chris didn't have the energy to protest. Who knew how long she'd be stuck like this?

"That's the spirit! And you're just in time for your first lesson. What's your name?" Havoc questioned happily.

"Chris Jameson."

"Jameson, Jameson… aha! There it is!" he said as he found Chris' name on a list he produced from his pocket. "Isn't that convenient! You're in our class, and that means you can carry our stuff," Havoc continued, dumping all the books, maps, and schedules onto Chris.

"Be nice, Havoc," Fuery admonished gently, while Chris was practically drowning in all the stacks of paper.

"Aww, let me have some fun. Aren't we supposed to 'help them understand the canon in a painful way,' as the others always say? And on top of that, isn't this the perfect opportunity to have a talk, 'mano a mano,' about those slash stories they always seem to produce? I still can't get over the fact that they made me lick chocolate off Roy's…"

Chris couldn't hear the rest of the conversation, as the two kept walking towards the classroom. She, determined not to get hurt any more this day, picked up everything and then followed Havoc and Fuery. This turned out to be quite a feat since she couldn't see where they were heading through all the papers, let alone see the doorway of the classroom. She collided headlong with the doorpost, scattering everything she carried over the floor. So much for her resolve not to get hurt any more.

When she finally got into the classroom, Chris put all the stuff on the desk in front and, walking to a free table, received a lot of angry glares. "Getting cosy with the staff, are you?" one girl even remarked.

Chris noted the dark blue and white military-like uniforms the students were wearing and looked at her now creased and frumpy clothes. Another thing gone completely wrong that day. She sighed and sat down behind a line of students in the first row, who looked adoringly at their teachers. Next to the teachers were a few mini-chimerae, eyeing the students.

"Welcome to your first lesson of 'The Military: Magnificence or Madness?' We will begin this class with a list containing things you're not allowed to do in the military. We've made them so that even _you_ can understand them." Havoc cleared his throat and began droning them out loud.

"Number one: do not refer to Edward Elric's mission as 'the Harry Potter Project.' Nor does he wear 'the Fullmetal Jacket,' nor go into a 'Fullmetal Panic' when frightened. Number two: Black Hayate is not an aircraft and thus, cannot be used for 'aerial attacks.' Number three: Colonel Mustang comes to the business picnics because he is part of the team. Not because he's the barbecue. Number four: Edward Elric comes to the business picnics because he is part of the team. Not because he's the bottle opener. Number five: no matter how good an artist you are, drawing pictures of military officers in compromising positions is completely unacceptable. Placing said pictures in post offices is a good way to get killed."

Here he stopped and looked at the students. "Please make sure to place those compromising pictures all around the Academy."

A few students with a great love for drawing NC-17 fanart perked up at this last remark and beamed at Havoc. While they produced pencils from their backpacks, their friends explained the just said consequences of spreading the artwork. The artists' glum looks returned and they turned their eyes to their teachers again.

Fuery continued the list. "Number six: Kimblee will not be referred to as 'the Bam Bam Man.' Number seven: Alphonse Elric is not a fridge. Or a stove. Or a dishwasher. Number eight: Colonel Mustang will not spontaneously combust if he sneezes, no matter how much pepper you throw at him. Number nine: referring to part of the uniform as a 'buttcape' is unacceptable. And number ten: 'your mom' jokes are repetitive and not funny. Especially not when aimed at the Elric bothers."

Fuery stopped and Havoc took over again. "You must understand that this is only part of the list. Thanks to all your wonderful fanfiction stories out there on the 'outernet,' I think it's called, we were forced to make this list and keep extending it. This means that we might surprise you with the continued series."

He took some time to glare into the class and give the minis Furry (a big hairball) and Fuey (the unknown forth member of the Duck brothers) a chance to glare as well. They pulled it off well, for transmuted animals. The students were amazed.

"And now, a pop-quiz!"

The students paled. They had not anticipated a quiz after their first lessons. This in mind, most of the people in class had amused themselves with doodling their Lust Object or daydreaming about their written and unwritten fanfiction. Some of the students had taken this to an extreme level and fallen asleep—something not tolerated.

"The square root of 27!" Avery shouted drowsily as she jumped out of her seat. The class fell silent for a moment and gaped at her, as did Fuery and Havoc. They had been warned about the randomness some fandom-lovers could produce, but they had never seen it in real life before. Because the Trainer of Minis anticipated this dumbfounded behaviour, Fuey, one of the more seasoned minis, suddenly appeared next to Avery's desk and dragged her off.

"Right. Now then, let's get started." Here Havoc looked at the class in a threatening way. "If you were in the military, what wouldn't you do? A) Call Colonel Mustang the Flaming Alchemist; B) use a sniper rifle to win paintball; C) put magnets on either Elric; or D) become the first military-cheerleader? Write down your answer now."

It became quiet. Every student wrote their answer on a piece of paper, including Chris. She put down the answer B. The only way to win paintball in the Fullmetal Universe is to make up an original character called the Pretty Paint Alchemist. Surely everyone knew that!

Furry collected the answers and brought them to Fuery.

Fuery looked through the papers and smiled. "Isn't that too bad. Everyone fails the quiz. None of you chose answer E) all of the above. That means you all have to write a 2000-word essay about ranks in the military." The students groaned. "For tomorrow's class," Havoc added. The students groaned some more.

"Yes kiddies, lesson number one: trick-questions are our friends. Class dismissed."

* * *

For the disclaimer see Chapter 1. Enrolments are still open.

_50 things you're not allowed to do in Fullmetal Alchemist_, written by nekoama. You can find the link to this list at the bottom of our profile. Thank you for allowing us to use this, nekoama!

_Author's note from your very own AFA Staff_

We'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to read our story and review it. It's great to know that such a wonderful (and filled with lots of crack) fandom appreciates an OFU spin-off. Thanks!

So keep those reviews (and constructive criticism) coming! We love to hear what you think and how we can improve our story. We'll keep upgrading and updating our story and entertain you with the happenings at the Academy!

Love, the AFA Staff.


	7. What all the events in one day can do

The charred and claw-marked door of dorm #74 slowly creaked open. Chris, completely exhausted by her first day at the academy, dragged herself in and let herself fall toward her bed. She missed it by a few inches and landed with a loud thud on the floor.

Ouch.

She'd had a bad day. A very bad day. After colliding with Havoc and Fuery, who had assigned a record-breaking amount of homework, she'd passed Bradley in the hallway, who'd sent her racing up to her room for her uniform after lecturing her about 'how clothing make the man.' When she had put on her crisp new uniform, the minis, of course, chose that moment to demonstrate their flying techniques… followed by crash-landing techniques… on her back.

Ouch.

Then she _again_ ran into Bradley,who _again_ started to talk about her clothing. Chris wasn't sure if Bradley was showing the first symptoms of dementia, being the only aging homunculus; or if the fight with Roy, the amazingly good-looking and best of the good guys, had caused several memory lapses. She tried to explain that the minis were the reason her uniform was dirty, missing several buttons and a sleeve, but he kept on talking. Not even shouts of "Pride, look over there! The Philosopher's stone!" stopped him, earning her only an odd look.

When she finally got to her next class, she was literally kicked out by Izumi, who was angry because of Chris' tardiness. A few minutes later, however, everyone else was kicked out as well, in various bruised and battered states. After one student began to mutter swear words at Izumi and another student made obscene gestures behind her back, they were all given a lesson in running to save your life. Which took up the rest of their morning.

Ouch.

The afternoon started off with total mayhem in the cafeteria, due to all the stampeding that occurred. A very nearsighted Alphonse Luster had mistaken Chris for the young Al, resulting in Chris getting squashed under a group of over-enthusiastic hormone-driven fanwriters. Lunch-hour was lost, and so was Chris for that matter, when the chimerae who didn't want to miss all the fun started their own stampede. Ten points per tackled student. Bonus points were awarded if it was done using a fork, three tomatoes, a red-headed Ed Admirer and a herring. Elricks was pronounced King of Minis with an astounding 1765 points.

Ouch.

The students who weren't in desperate need of medical aid were sent back to class by Miss Ama, who raged about how the unbelievable fact that they still didn't understand that stampeding was not allowed had cost her her lunch. And she hated missing lunch, especially when there were brownies for the staff.

In a stroke of brilliance from Aricos-sama, the class after lunch (_Is Angsting the Answer, _taught by the staff members who were most frequently portrayed as lost souls, listening to rock, and being downright emo) was interrupted half-way for an extra course: 'Stop Stampeding, Start Studying,' for which the students had to write a decent piece of fanfiction about the morning habits of one's favourite Fullmetal Alchemist character. Miss Ama announced that she would judge the stories on all kinds of levels; what those levels would be, however, was never revealed.  
Needless to say, the majority failed the course and those who passed, passed barely. The punishment as well as the prize was the privilege to see the minis in their rendition of Mozart's 'Figaro'. Including eardrum-splitting attempts at the soprano pieces by Pinaka.

Ouch.

Chris barely made it through those dreadful hours. She'd ripped part off her shirt and stuffed it in her ears but to no avail: by the time they went to dinner she had an annoying beep in her ears. At least it wasn't as bad as Neko, who sat next to her during dinner. She'd been sitting right at the front and was temporarily deaf.

Chris only survived the lecture given by Miss Cathy after dinner by zoning out in an inconspicuous way and thinking about her bed. Her nice bed. With a pillow… and a blanket… nice and warm. Bed.

And there she was, lying in her bed. Sound asleep.

Only to be woken by the Mini Midnight Marathon. And not the Running version—oh no. They surprised the fanfiction authors with the newly-invented Bed Jumping version.

It would turn out to be a long night for the students.

Ouch.

* * *

For the disclaimer see Chapter 1. Enrolments are still open.

Author's Note: We had this chapter (and the few after this one) lying around for some time now, but we just didn't get around to sending it off to our beta's. Our apologies. We'll try to be a bit more frequent with posting from now on.

Beta's Note: I feel I must extend my apologies to the readers for the exceptional delay of this chapter. I won't go into my exact reasons here, but school and family issues ganged up on me in a bad way. I hope you will all forgive me and not hold it against this story or its authors.


	8. Another assigment, how will we get throu

"All right, class, let's get started. Yes, what is it, Mr. Brady?"

The murmurs that ran through the auditorium died down somewhat as Brady asked what everyone had been wondering since their teacher had entered the room.

"Tucker-san, why aren't you in your chimera form?"

"You may address me simply as Tucker. As for my form, that's only the form I have in the anime, now, isn't it? I'm manga-verse Tucker. I was appointed by the staff as most suitable to teach this class. They doubted whether my counterpart was sane enough. They seemed to think that he would transform you all on the very first day, which would be most _unfortunate_. It would be a great project to show on assessment-day, though. I wonder if…" Tucker trailed off at the last two sentences, giving the whole class an ominous feeling.

"Also, they seemed to think my counterpart's appearance would be too much of a distraction. They were under the impression you wouldn't be too scared of me."

"No, since the purpose of this class certainly isn't to scare you shitless," Chris heard from her left-hand side. She looked around, but couldn't see anyone who could have such a low voice. 'Did Envy change into a desk…?'

After examining her desk, she shook her head at her own preposterous idea and tried to focus on the man standing in front of the large group of students.

This time, almost half of the AFA pupils were gathered in the auditorium for Tucker's lecture, Biologic Alchemy 101. The rest of the students were still in the hospital wing, had been caught still sleeping by the minis and were now giving each of the chimerae a bath and a massage on Aricos' orders, or were otherwise indisposed. Most of those present, however, were listening to their teacher's every word.

A girl sitting two rows behind Chris seemed only just to realise the implications of what had just been said.

"Eeeh? So there are two of you?"

"Yes, Miss La' Doire, due to the differences between the anime and the manga, some of us have a double walking around the Academy. So for those of you who were wondering, I'm not Envy pretending to be Tucker."

"Damn it!" several Envy-lusters swore loudly as they returned to their seats. They'd been so sure it was their elusive lust-object pretending to be someone else to try and use them for the Philosopher's Stone when he entered the class. A few more feet and they would have been within glomping-range. A few more feet and they would have been within glomping-range of the _minis_. Nina Tuker, Alechemy and wetryhumantransmutation hid their teeth only when the students were a long way from Tucker.

"But enough talking. Open your books to page five and start reading chapter one," Tucker said, smiling.

Chris had trouble concentrating on what she was reading. Biology never was her strongest subject. Besides, Tucker was quite charismatic when he was smiling, which made it quite hard not to like him. Then again, he did use his own family to produce chimerae…

'I'd better stay on his good side…' Chris shuddered, causing her pencil case to fall on the ground. A loud _clunk!_ echoed around the whole auditorium, making her wince. She prayed that nobody had noticed, but on the other hand, she couldn't believe that anybody _hadn't_ noticed. Chris opened her tightly shut eyes and looked around. The auditorium fell completely silent for the second time in a week, a big achievement for the AFA. On top of that, practically all were staring at Chris.

"Mr. Jameson? Something wrong?"

Chris reddened and shook her head. Silently she started to gather all her pens and pencils from the ground. She was too embarrassed with everyone looking at her to even try to explain that she wasn't a 'Mr.' but a 'Miss.'

She opened her book and once again began to read.

_Chapter One: The Nature of Biologic Alchemy._

_Considering the definition of Alchemy as the science of transforming one matter into another, Biologic Alchemy is best to be described as a highly specialised branch of this science, concentrating on the transmutation of living matter. One may count the creation of living organisms out of non-living material and the transforming of one organism into another under this definition.  
__Most projects concerning the first type of transformation have proved unsuccessful. The complexity of cells and the specific genetic properties of every organism remain a great barrier obstructing all progress in this line of research. It has also been concluded that enormous amounts of energy would be required for such transmutations to be successful.  
__The transformation of one organism into another may be counted under the creation of chimeras. A chimera (plur. chimeras, chimerae Lat.) is the product of the genetic material of a minimum of two organisms combined. The greater percentage_ _of chimerae consists of a combination between mammals, birds and/or reptiles. Fish are less frequently used in these transmutations, since the resulting creature would in most cases be water-bound. Crossings between plants aren't considered chimerae. Although attempts have been made at crossing plants with animals, no successful transmutations have been reported as of yet.  
__The subject of chimerae is widely studied by alchemists and new discoveries about these extraordinary creatures are made frequently._

Chris' mind wandered to a dimly lit, underground dungeon, where she was fighting side by side with Roy, warding off the bloodthirsty chimerae and battling to save the whole world. She saw a chimera try to attack Roy from behind and jumped between them, sacrificing herself for the one she loved. She fell to the ground, darkness enveloping her… She snapped back to reality when she heard Tucker talking again.

"Aricos-sama has come up with a great idea for you to gather some non-voluntary extra credit. Each of you will write a full report on the mini-chimera in his natural habitat, including an ethological diagram. The natural habitat of a mini-chimera is the AFA, in case you're wondering. You don't have to take account of the time that they spend with the Mary Sues, before they are rescued and brought here.

For this project, you will be responsible for the care of a mini for one week. Don't worry, they'll be sure to let you know clearly when you do something wrong," he said brightly, mistaking the class' look of horror for something else entirely.

"On your way out, you'll receive a form, which is to be returned to Aricos-sama with your signature. Class dismissed."

Tucker was out of the auditorium before anyone could ask why, for the love of FMA, they had to take care of a mini.

As cries of outrage and whimpers of terror burst loose from the students, Chris heard someone snigger. It was the same voice she'd heard earlier. She looked around, but there was just the girl next to her who was packing her bag. Could it really be the desk…? Wondering this, she vaguely registered from the corner of her eye a staff-member entering the auditorium.

"Listen up, people. You will now stand in line to receive one of these papers saying which chimera you get. You will sign them and hand them back within ten minutes. You will then get a chimera. Got it? Okay then," Aricos-sama shouted to the crowd.

Slowly, everyone packed their books and filed in line to receive the forms. Chris glanced at her desk one more time before she joined Tom at the end of the line.

Once outside, CK came up to Tom and Chris, who were pulling the minis kernel and Glutoony respectively off their leg and hand. CK meanwhile tried to stop Winery from ripping her bag open in search of interesting mechanical objects.

"Does anyone of you know what an 'ethological diagram' is? I've been meaning to ask Tucker, but everyone was talking about the minis," CK said.

Horror struck the two. They were now stuck with a mini-chimera for a week, without having the faintest idea what to do.

"Maybe we should examine their bodies and cut them open?" Peeka-chan proposed, earning her a large bite mark in her left hand. The mini Haughes also robbed her of her clip-on tail, the new favourite toy of the gathered minis.

"Oh no! Give it back!" she cried. The minis seemed to snigger and decided to run off with the tail. Peeka-chan ran after them, leaving the others behind with bewildered looks on their faces. Why anyone would willingly risk their hides and run after a mini, after seeing what they could do when they ganged up on you, was a mystery...

When Peeka returned to the corridor where she had last seen her classmates to find out what the answer to her question was, it was already dark. Sighing, she went to look for them, hoping to not lose her tail this time.

* * *

For the disclaimer see Chapter 1. Enrolments are still open.


	9. A nocturnal adventure with a dark end

Night time at the AFA. A time when only the chimerae and the unfortunate ones chased by them are used to being up. All of the students were, frankly, too tired to even think of staying up late. Except those being chased, of course.

But what happened there?

Two dark figures detached themselves from the shadows of the building, turned around the corner and clambered over the fence to the staff side of the complex. They consulted a simple, crudely-drawn map and walked on again. Counting windows, they positioned themselves under the seventh from the left. After a moment of discussion one of the figures left, only to return moments later with a very large and seemingly heavy package, although the two figures didn't have any troubles throwing it over the fence as if it weighed nothing. The other figure walked up to the building and took a deep breath.

"EDWARD! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES AND PLEASE RECEIVE THIS GIFT AS A TOKEN OF MY UNDYING LOVE!"

Silence again. A few words were exchanged. Then piano music was heard, followed after a short interlude by the singing of the obvious Ed devotee.

"Mayomitsumihi, something about love, chihihihihihehihute, lalalalalala, kizugushi mo, hugs and texts I can't remember. Futari wa Aru kissu zukeru, auto niwa motors and suzuki cars, ima demo could I always be with you? KESENAI TSUMI wa itamu kedo DARLING! Tadatadatadatadatadatadata!"

"SHUT UP!!! I'm _trying_ to sleep!" a not-so-sleepy-anymore-voice shouted.

"Oh my god, that's Ed," the singer said excitedly to the person behind the piano. "Eddo, daisuki! Anata wa honto, honto, hontoni sugoi desu!" she continued to the man of her dreams.

"Where do they find these girls?" Fullmetal muttered and returned to his bed, firmly closing the window and curtains behind him, transmuting his wardrobe into a soundproof wall for good measure.

"No, don't go away, light of my life! I know other songs as well! Kimi nonono, kimi yesyesyes, tooi hi no kioku wo, can I shimmy your way? Icky no demo pomato curry yo! Saa ai ni kogareta mune wa tsuranuke!

Or perhaps: OH SOLE MIO, OH RAVIOLI, OH SOLE MIO, OH LINGUINE, OH SOOOOOOOOOOOOO, OH SOLE MIO, OH SOLE MIO, OH SOLE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

No, wait, wait, how about this one: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when the skies are grey. You'll never know DEAR, how much I LOVE you. So please don't take my sunshine away!"

"Miss Adonis, I believe that beside the Fullmetal one, there are quite a few other staff members, including myself, who wish to return to sleep," the Fuhrer's voice boomed through the night air. The girls looked up to see his imposing figure in the window to the right of Ed's. He was Not Pleased. "And for future reference: make sure you actually know the words of the song. It might be a hard task for your hormone-driven brain, but it makes these serenading sessions a little less unbearable.

Oh, and Miss Actius? Please take that piano over to Hohenheim tomorrow morning. You are not allowed to keep things that fall out of plot holes. All clear?"

"Yes, Fuhrer King Bradley, Sir!" they chorused. Bradley blinked. Or at least his uncovered eye did.

Adonis and Actius scurried away, the latter considerably slowed by towing the piano behind her. Apparently the piano was returning to its normal weight after spending some time in a world where Newton's gravitational law was actually in effect.

Peace returned. Lessons started again the next day, as if nothing had happened. Chris was walking around on the ground floor, coming back from her visit to the library. There she had tried to work on her Math and Alchemy 101 homework. Thinking about that last really difficult problem with big echelon matrices made her almost walk into a few people. Luckily, she was able to evade them and continued walking. Until…

"Sir, I don't think that a very wise idea."

"Of course it is. It will be nice to make Fullmetal mad again. And besides, the paperwork is killing me."

'Fullmetal… paperwork… not a wise idea? ROY!' Chris thought.

"I _really_ don't think you should go ahead with it," Hawkeye finished, but Roy had already walked back to the Staff Section. Sighing, she followed Mustang, not knowing that Chris was following her.

Sneaking behind them, Chris tried to get into the Staff Section, but Riza shut the door after her. Not wanting to be deprived of a daily dose of Roy-yummyness, Chris put her ear to the door and tried to make out his voice.

First, she only heard minis scurrying around, scraping their nails on the door. She then picked out a few distant screams, making her stiffen against the door. 'Wha- what the hell was that?' Chris, fighting the instinct to run away really fast, listened to the sounds on the other side of the door again. The stamping there made her jump.

"What do you want, _Colonel_?" Chris heard Edward say, the voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I wanted to congratulate you," Roy answered, making Chris almost literally melt.

"Congratulate me on what…?" the formerly sarcastic voice asked warily.

"Well, Fullmetal, I received some news. Finally you can look down on us."

Chris could almost hear the veins on Edward's head pulsing with anger. She made out hollow sounding shushes, probably Al trying to calm Ed down.

"Yes?" Edward asked through gritted teeth.

"The fangirls must think you're really _above_ us all if they honour you with the first serenade of the season. So, congratulations!"

A grunt, a scream, crashing furniture and footsteps. For the next few minutes, not much speech was heard other than some carefully selected expletives directed at Roy. Chris sighed at the idea of her man being able to hold off Ed with a mere flick of the wrist (and glove). As she once again placed her ear to the door, she thought she could make out a whistling noise over the din. It grew louder and louder, as if something was flying her way at very high spe-

THUNK! CLINK!

An inch before her eyes a large wrench-shaped hole had appeared in the door, the offending instrument lying on the stone floor a few meters away. Carefully listening for other projectiles and very grateful that she hadn't positioned herself a bit more to the left, Chris inched towards the hole for the First Glimpse of the Staff Section. She wished she had a camera to capture this spectacle. Frozen in mid-punch, Roy and Ed were staring at a pissed-looking Winry and looked as if they would faint at any moment. Apparently Chris' head hadn't been the only one missed by an inch. The other occupants of the Staff Section decided that it was once again safe and came out of various hiding places, including a big grandfather's clock in the corner.

"Sir, I already said this was not a very wise idea," said an exasperated Riza.

"Ed, be more careful with your auto mail! I have enough to do with all these students around and if I have to repair you within the first week, I'll find more creative ways to use my tools on you! Remember that story with the Colonel, the train, and _my wrench_?" Winry finished lowering the volume of her voice.

Edward sucked in his breath. When Chris heard the comment Miss Cathy gave ("Roy, you might want to stop chuckling. As I recall, nasty things happened to you as well") as she climbed off the filing cabinet she'd fled onto for safety, Chris could only imagine how the situation could escalate if Ed only had the chance to get the argument started again.

"Now that that's sorted, I have an announcement to make," said Miss Cathy. "The Headmaster has decided—after much thought and deliberation—that under these special circumstances—"

"Get on with it!" Aricos-sama commented, as she tumbled out of the big pot housing her favourite Venus fly trap, idly brushing earth and various unidentifiable bones off her shoulders.

"As I was saying," Miss Cathy continued, "Ed, you are allowed to come up with a suitable punishment and discipline them accordingly. Or not accordingly. Whatever you decide. Basically, you're free to do whatever you want. Try not to kill them, though. It was only their first big offence."

Seeing Ed turning towards her, Chris quickly tried to get out of the entrance to the Staff Section, before anyone would spot her. Leaning on the banister of the big staircase, slightly panting, she saw Edward pass through the Hall. He was walking in an excited trot towards the part of the AFA that was still under construction.

"Elric, remember, once you're downstairs, two left, one right and straight through to the dungeons. They're waiting for you in the fifth cell!" Aricos-sama called out after him.

Logic tried to kick in in Chris' oxygen deprived brain to point out that this would mean that there were at least five cells located beneath the AFA. Logic kicked and kicked and kicked, but Chris was too busy ogling Roy, who was ceremonially seeing Edward off.

"Good luck!" the three voices of armour!Alphonse, normal!Alphonse and Munich!Alphonse shouted.

After the question "Miss Jameson, don't you have somewhere you should be?" finally reached the sane part of her brain, Chris ran up the stairs to her room, thinking how rather fortunate she was that she wasn't spotted near the Staff Section and waiting for more news about the two poor, poor students.

The two students were not present in class the following day. Only after lunch did they mysteriously reappeared in the military infirmary. Thrashing around in their beds, Actius merely whimpered and there were too few sounds for Adonis to express how she felt. Judging by their behaviour, it must have been truly disturbing and horrible. Nobody ever actually found out what occurred in those moments with Edward…

* * *

For the disclaimer see chapter 1. Enrolments are still open.

Right. There really isn't much to say except give an apology. We're very sorry for the delayed update. It might take a while, but this story WILL be completed.  
Thank you for sticking with us.

Love, the AFA Staff.


End file.
